As a child, I was powerless. Powerless to speak my mind, powerless to say no and powerless to express my needs and wants. But fast forward to plenty of therapy later, I am learning that I can be a powerful person and so, I’ve been more proactive in establishing healthy boundaries. Because as I mentioned in another post, boundaries are key to feeling powerful and having fulfilling healthy relationships!

I’m learning to recognize when I need to say no to people, and am not so quick to give, when I ‘m running on empty. Perhaps you know the feeling, perhaps you too are learning to set good boundaries so you don’t feel overrun and overextended all the time. But boundaries can be tricky, especially for those who are used to getting run over.

Trust me, I get it. In my attempt to hold good boundaries, I’ve had some setbacks. Quite a few to be honest. And I’m left feeling frustrated and taken advantage of once again, as I continue to bend over backwards for people. I’ve learned the hard way, that most people don’t seem to respond well to my boundaries and they push back, so I fold. Rather than stand my ground, I give in to what they want. I don’t enforce my boundaries because I either:

A) don’t want to put up a fight,

B) am worried about how they’ll respond and if they’ll get angry,

or C) I feel guilty for being “mean” and unaccommodating.

But as my counselor is teaching me, it’s not wrong for me to enforce my boundaries. In fact, it is paramount that I learn to enforce my boundaries so that I don’t I become, overwhelmed, irritable, impatient and resentful towards others. If I don’t maintain my boundaries, my relationships begin to feel heavy, one sided, and I end up getting taken advantage of. But the journey from a powerless person, to a powerful person isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, especially if you’re surrounded by people who are used to you giving in when they don’t respect your boundaries.

But don’t give up, there is a way through this! The fact that you are even trying to set boundaries is an impressive step that shows you’re really trying to improve yourself and your relationships. Hang in there! Because even though we can’t control other people’s reaction to our boundaries, we can stick to our guns and grow stronger at holding them.

So, if you give someone a boundary and they roll right past it, remind them a second, third or fourth time; be kind, but firm. And make it clear that you won’t budge on your position until they agree to respect your position. Let it be a learning opportunity for them to realize that a healthy relationship takes mutual respect, perhaps they’ll grow with you. If they are treating you with disrespect or cruelty make it clear that you won’t engage with them until they treat you better, that those are your standards for friendship. And when they forget or slip back into old habits of being degrading or calling names, remind them of your boundary and make it clear that you won’t be around them until they stop treating you this way.

Or if you tell someone no and they ignore you and do what they want anyways, keep saying it and then remove yourself from the environment if they refuse to listen. And if they’re asking for something from you (for a favor, for your time, money, resources, or emotional help) clearly let them know what you need from them in advance. Communicate what your boundaries are, so that you don’t take on too much and get burnt out helping others. Remember, it’s not wrong to want to help people, but there is a fine line between rescuing and helping, and the moment we become someone’s rescuer is the moment we overextend ourselves and run the risk of burn out. Ask yourself what they can take responsibility for, so that their problems, needs or requests aren’t all on your plate. Is there a part they can do to help themselves, so you’re not taking care of them?

Unfortunately, sometimes people will agree to your boundaries when you tell them (some people will agree to anything) but when the time comes, they still haven’t done their part. And yet they’ll expect you to fulfill your end of the bargain. It can really be infuriating! But if you (like me) are used to giving in to others and are new to holding boundaries, then your natural instinct will be to forget the boundaries you set and just do whatever they want to get them off your back. This is any easy cycle to fall back into, but please don’t! Instead, remind them of the commitment they made to you, before you give them what they want. Make it very clear (because maybe they didn’t understand last time, or simply didn’t think you meant it). But be up front that you are waiting on them to fulfill their end of the bargain and that they must respect your boundaries before you move forward.

Sometimes you might feel like you’re being a stickler, or being mean, or like your being heartless, but you’re not! If you are learning to set boundaries than it’s really important to not let the small stuff slide. To not give in when they put up a fight, because your peace of mind and well-being matters! You shouldn’t have to give in to people who get upset at boundaries, just because you’re a peacemaker. Practice enforcing your boundaries even when it seems insignificant or not worth the hassle. It’s far too easy to say they really seem to be fighting back, so perhaps I should give in, it isn’t worth the fight. But what you’re really saying is that you’re not worth the fight, that your peace of mind, and ability to not feel overwhelmed and pushed around isn’t worth it. And that’s not true, you are worth it! Your mental and emotional health is worth standing your ground for and is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for! So stop letting people use up all your energy, and don’t let people treat you as worth less than you are! Some people will take you for granted if you let them, so stand your ground and enforce those boundaries when when it seems hard or like it’s so small it doesn’t matter. Because you matter! Focusing on your self-care doesn’t make you selfish, it’s what helps you grow into a healthy, happy and powerful person. You can do this.

Photo Credit: Pexel.com

Chances are, you’re like most of the human race and you weren’t taught how to create healthy boundaries as a child. You may not know that much about what boundaries are or how they can help you become a powerful person. I of all people know how that feels, I’ve spent most of my life letting people in without regard to boundaries and then in response I would inevitably erect giant walls when I became hurt or overwhelmed. I thought the walls would keep me safe, but as I’ve learned from my therapist, they only temporarily suppressed my fears and kept out all the love and companionship I desperately desired. Because building up walls not only keeps out the bad, it keeps out the good.

In our attempt to protect ourselves from the bad in the world, we end up blocking out opportunities to let in the good. But don’t feel bad, most all of us do it, it’s a knee jerk self-protective reaction to hurtful experiences. Unfortunately in the end, all it does is stifle your heart and suffocate your voice until your left miserable, repressed, exhausted and alone.

So, here’s where those notorious boundaries come into play; boundaries allow you to become a powerful person. Boundaries help you speak up for yourself and vocalize your needs (thereby taking the power back in your life so you no longer feel like a victim). And boundaries also allow you to weed out the hurtful and controlling relationships that are negatively affecting you. When people don’t have boundaries they end up at the mercy of others, vulnerable to damage or abuse. But healthy boundaries will actually help you recognize your self-worth and build your self-esteem, because you’ll understand that you really do deserve better. And clear boundaries will also help you build your trust in others and create respectful, supportive and caring relationships you can rely on.

So how does a person go about creating healthy boundaries rather than building giant walls of self-protection? I’m glad you asked. In my experience setting boundaries, can be as simple (and as difficult) as telling people no. It can look like walking away from someone and not spending more time with them when they treat you poorly. And it can also look like having clear conversations where you share your expectations of what you want your relationship to look like. Ultimately boundaries requires patience and open communication with people around you. It can be scary at first, and if you’re like me, it can take a long time to get used to, but ridding yourself of the dead weight of codependency is competently liberating. And from someone who’s made it to the other side by weeding out the bad relationships and setting clear boundaries, I am here to say, it is so worth it. Thanks to setting boundaries, I have so much more patience, freedom, peace of mind, confidence and self-love that I almost don’t recognize the happy person I’ve become.

So, take some time to think about areas where you feel poorly treated in your relationships, or like you’re being pulled on too much. Do you often find yourself bending over backwards for people? Are you trying to make others happy or are afraid to let people down? Do you feel taken advantage of, like your friendships are one sided? Or maybe you have a close relationship with someone who always puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself? Do you have people in your life who try to control or influence you and cause you to feel powerless or defeated after being around them? Do they tear at your self esteem, and make you feel like you’re less than them? Do you often find yourself saying yes to people out of guilt, even when you don’t want to, or know you don’t have the time or energy to do what they’re asking? Do you feel like a victim being tossed around by others or feel drained all the time? Do you feel like you are living your life for someone else and not being true to yourself and what you want or need?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you’re likely in need of some strong boundaries in your life. Even though it may seem hard at first, and you may worry about losing relationships, I promise you the freedom you’ll find on the other side is worth it. Sadly, not everyone will respond kindly to your newly erected boundaries and some might even go as far as to reject you. But just know that if they do, then those were never good relationships that were going to last anyways. Let those toxic people go, and focus on finding people who can respect your boundaries so that you can both feel mutually respected, and supportive. Without boundaries there can be no trust, and without trust vulnerability becomes dangerous. and relationships dysfunctional.

A good place to start setting boundaries is to pause and think about the things in your life that you want people to stop saying to you. And to think about the things you want people to stop doing to you, or around you.

According to PsychCentral.com you should think critically about your current boundaries and ask yourself some of these key questions:

• “How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?”
• “Do you always make yourself available?”
• “How much praise and acceptance do you receive?”
• “How do you feel after spending time with each friend or family member?”

After analyzing your answers, think about the areas in your life where you could use some vocalized boundaries. If you’re always available to go out of your way for someone at a moments notice, maybe you start setting time limits on your availability, so that you don’t feel so exhausted. If you feel drained, defeated or powerless after being around a certain person, think about what they’re saying… are they critical, judgmental or disrespectful to you? If so, tell them how their words or tone makes you feel and let them know that you won’t tolerate being treated as inferior… and that if they want your company they need to treat you with more respect. (And make sure to let them know that you’ll do the same for them as well, because respect goes both ways.)

If you’re saying yes to everyone all the time out of guilt, ask yourself why you feel so guilty, will the world really end if you don’t do this thing for someone? If guilt is motivating you, then try saying no to people and only saying yes when you have the energy or resources to do so. If you get frustrated helping someone who’s always in a crisis, resist the impulse to fix their problems or rescue them, but instead problem solve creative solutions and encourage them to be brave enough to find their own solution without pulling you in to save them. Or if someone always needs you at the last minute, let them know that they can’t pull on you at the last minute because you need advance notice. Also, if someone one is always trying to influence you, then speak up and tell them you’re going to follow your own instincts because you trust yourself to know what you need. Whatever it looks like, the first step to setting better boundaries is to raise your voice and share with the people in your life where your limits and expectations are.

For more information on setting boundaries check out Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s famous book Boundaries. Or click the link below to check out PsychCentral’s article on the importance of boundaries.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries#1