Late Night Wonderings…

I’ve searched for love far and wide.
I’ve pushed and pulled, prodded and tried.
Ive hungered for love desperately.
Only to give up and say, its not what I need.

I’ve tried so hard, to be my best,
I’ve tried too hard to be perfect.
but the only love I ever earned,
was your conditional love splintered with hurt.

Your heavy love, that weighs me like a chain,
your indecisive love that leaves me when I’m stained.
Your empty words and those desperate pleas,
and when your selfishness explodes, its a million apologies.

Your hardened heart that blames everything on me,
is why you feel alone, it’s why your sad & can’t see.
Open your eyes, I’ve been here for you,
even at cost to my self I stay, wanting to be true.

But I cant take it anymore,
you give love, then take it away and slam the door.
Somehow you think it’s all my fault,
if  I could be better, would I get a different result?

I’ve been alone for so long now, I’ve had to shut you out,
it’s gotten too painful to let you run about.
The walls are up, strong and withstanding,
to keep out your expectations and your love demanding.

It’s a barricade, no explosion can ever take down,
but at the cost of having my once best-love around.
Still we shout, and Still we rage.
Still we writhe and scream in pain.

We’re broken, trying to love when we’re shattered,
trying to love with a love that’s broken in tatters.
Trying to love with sunken hearts, on sinking ships.
Trying to love with towering walls and lying lips.

We’re empty, we’re lonely, we’re hollow shells,
We’ve abandoned each other, in defense of ourselves.
So batter down the hatches, were gonna stay a while,
And when people ask us, we’ll just muster up a smile.

A relationship made of your sad, broken conditional love,
and my self protecting prophecy I must defend myself from.
I’ve given all of myself, I’ve given everything I have,
For you to do the same for me was my naive plan.

But you only gave in bits and pieces,
And your promises, well they’re all so meaningless.
Is it hopeless? Perhaps. So we remove hope from the equation,
settle for what we have, as we watch love come undone.

But then you came rushing in like the wind unknown.
So close as you melted my heart cold as stone.
And you told me that I don’t have to try so desperately,
Try to get a morsel of his love, because your giving it freely!

You showed me, love is beautiful and exactly what I need,
because it is always given freely to those who are in need.
I don’t have to beg, I don’t have to pull love or take it,
I don’t have to perform or earn it, without any mistakes.

Love is free for the taking,
this love is healing in the making,
This love that gives me the hope of life,
and restores the light behind my eyes.

But can it be so easy?
I fear you wont be there when I’m needy.
Or that you’ll withhold and take way,
And pull the rug out from underneath me.

Are you faithful? Are you always true?
Will you turn away, if I shut down and run from you?
Will you stay here? always offering your hand?
Or will you turn away for any reason to leave me abandoned?

Can I trust you? And will you always remain?
Because I’m tired of trusting in love that leaves, when I’m shamed.
I’m afraid, to let anyone in, including your presence.
Is there hope? Is your love as heavy as his?

You say you love me? But I still don’t know why.
I’ll never understand it, but I’m grateful all the while.
Are you still near? Are you near God?
Can you piece back together my soul and help me move on?

While I’m stuck here, sunken in and buried,
The quicksand came and destroyed the house I was building.
Can I lose your love? I guess that’s really what I’m wondering.
Can I lose it, by being unfaithful, by failing or running and hiding?

Can I lose your love, like I’ve lost his?
Because at the end of the day, the truth of it is..
I’d rather be alone, than live in fear of losing love.
I can no longer bare the pain of love lost and undone.

Is your love truly steadfast, like they all say?
Is it true, dependable and forever unconditional in every way?
It sounds too good to be true.
But I cling tightly to the hope that it is.

…… And with the dawn comes the warmth of knowing that your love really & truly is that good.


Some of you might feel like you are enlightened…

Like you know alot about life, and you’re probably right.

Perhaps you’re really observant and discerning so you watch people struggle or make problems and think, “if only they knew ______ they would be better off.”

Or maybe you think  “they could fix there problems, if they only knew this particular thing, that I’ve had to learn the hard way!”You think that you could save them this whole struggle, if you could just teach them what you learned when you went through the very same thing!

So maybe you decide to go tell them  exactly what they can do to fix things, or how they can see things clearly and make better choices. So you give them your best advice, knowing that it is valuable and helpful.

After all, hindsight is 20/20, you can look back on what you have learned and share it with others so they don’t make the same mistakes you did. So awesome right!?

So you give your advice thinking you’ve helped them. Maybe it’s someone close to you, you tell them how to make things better but they don’t listen, so you keep trying to help them,  trying to teach them, trying to encourage them… you go round and round in circles trying to solve their problems for them (since you have a good head on your shoulders you might as well help, right?) Wrong.

Because eventually (after trying your hardest and expending all your energy and resources) you will discover that you’re getting nowhere. That you’re not actually helping anyone!

You can’t force someone to learn, to grow or improve. They have to want it.  And sadly most people in the world don’t want someone to tell them what will work better (even if it will). Because they are going to do, what they are gonna do regardless of what you recommend, or want from them.
So wait to be asked, wait until someone genuinely wants help.

And keep in mind that even when someone asks for help or advice, more often then not, they just want you to affirm what they already plan on doing.

It’s REALLY hard to keep your mouth shut when you know things that can help others. It’s hard not to stop some one, when you know they are about to veer off course into a terrible head on collision.

But if they don’t want it. They will not hear it, and you’ll only exhaust yourself with the effort.

You have to let people make their own mistakes. Even though you can save them, they have to muddle through there own mess until they decide its worth it to try a different way!

For some that may take a lifetime, and it may be incredibly painful for you to stay involved and watch them sort through it all. Which is why, sometimes its OK to take a step away from that relationship, so they don’t drag you down with them.

No matter how many times you try to beat good sense  into someone’s head, it’s not going to stick.

There have been so many times I fell for the line, “I want to be better, just teach me how, tell me and show me what to do.”

Only to find that this person completely disregarded every bit of advice I’d offered. Because they only wanted the appearance of change, but never made any effort to follow through!

Sometimes people will burst into tears, and beg you to help them. Only to turn around and keep doing the same self destructive and hurtful things.  They fall back into the same cycles of dysfunction that they always default to. But why? The tears seemed so genuine and they truly seemed like they wanted to be better!

What most people don’t realize is that they weren’t really crying tears of regret, they just wanted to change the topic from you giving them your hard-won advice, to you comforting them and feeling sorry for them. They had no intention of changing, they just want you to sympathize with them, so that you can learn to be OK with how they act. (Some might refer to this as gas-lighting & brain washing.)

Eventually you start to understand where they’re coming from, so you lower your standards.  Suddenly you begin to sympathize with why they act the way they do, and why they treat you the way they do. You begin to accept (or minimize) the bad behavior and stop expecting  that you be treated well.  Little by little, you justify and explain away their poor choices as your self respect, self esteem and self confidence gradually diminish.

Every once in a while  (when they cross a line) they’ll put on such a great act of contriteness and sorrow, that you’ll believe it! Because you want to believe it, because you want to think that you are helping them, grow, change and mature.

But you’re not, you’re just falling for an elaborate and age-old act.

Don’t fall for it!

Don’t be so blinded by what you want people to be, that you start seeing what isn’t even there!

Don’t be so blinded that you can’t see the performance that’s right in front of you.

And don’t cast your pearls of wisdom before swine.

Don’t try to help someone who doesn’t want help. You will end up wearing yourself raw, spending all you’re energy trying to change/help someone who doesn’t want to change.  And they probably won’t ever change, because they’ve got YOU in their life, always nearby to fix things, and pick up the broken pieces. So that their life can continue, without them ever having to grow up or mature and be responsible for their own mistakes.

After all, why would they want to change? They’ve got you nearby to rescue them, and all they have to do is pretend like they want to be better, so you’ll stick around desperately trying to save/help them.  Because you see the potential for good… But remember if they DO NOT want to change (which means they’re willing to work hard and make sacrifices and stop putting themselves first) then you are wasting your time.  They have to WANT it so desperately, that they will pursue it, with or without you there to help.