Category Archives: Thoughtful Poems

Thoughtful and confessional poems that I hesitantly share….

Silent Refrain


Broken… broken… broken,

What do we do when our hearts are broken?
How do we mourn?
How do we heal?                                                                                                                  Does anyone really truly know?

They say time heals all wounds..
That my dear, is a lie.
Time does nothing but dull the ache and numb the sensations..

But time does NOT heal.
Time may seal all wounds, and in it’s wake  leave a fragile angry scar,
but it does not heal all wounds.

Pain… Pain… pain, so much pain I have endured.
I am drowning in sorrows, I am drowning in silence. I’ve closed my eyes, blot it out. Shut it out.

How can I look at you?

Betrayal… betrayal… betrayal, everywhere. It’s everywhere I go, It’s all around me.
Heart breaks a little, with each betrayal. I am surrounded by vultures,  by wolves who seek to devour. To leave me for dead.

Who was I before them? How did I get here?                                                     How was my heart so innocently trusting?
Who was I before betrayal, and who am I now?                                         And why does my traitorous heart continue to love?

Freedom… freedom… freedom, my heart leaps at the word freedom! I may have settled, I may have resigned, but I still hear Freedom’s sweet refrain calling my name.
It is my dearest escape,

it is a beacon of hope, the only thing left I can cling to, my mantra.

It is my saving grace.

The East Wind Is Coming

How can you think I wanted this?

Didn’t you know this was coming?

Haven’t you heard my many warnings over time?

Haven’t you seen the red flags along the way?

How could you believe it would end in any other way?


Don’t you know it breaks my heart to say goodbye?

This isn’t what I wanted.

Don’t you know that I still love you?

I shouldn’t have to convince you that I’m not trying to ruin your life.

I thought you knew me better than that.

Don’t you know it crushes me to let you down?

It’s like ripping my soul in two.

Don’t you know how much you’ve become a part of me?

It tears at all my seams, to be separated from you.

All the stiches, all the molding, all the growing; with time our souls fused into one.

And must now be ripped in two.

Now we are two bleeding halves, blood and guts spilled out on the floor.

Don’t you know my heart weeps for what could have been?

I’m devastated, but I’m angry too.

If you could have gotten your act together, I would have stayed.

Don’t you know, I never in a million years wanted this?

But it’s not healthy for me to stay by your side, so I must rip my life in two.

Don’t you know, I wanted to stay with you till death do us part?

But you don’t know.

…… or it would never have come to this.

You only see you.

You only  feel, your pain, your fears, your sorrows…. you never feel mine.

You do not know empathy, you do not know me.

Which is why it breaks my heart to do it this way.

But your heart is far from me, and it grows colder still.

So it must be done.

There is a storm coming.

Is it the only way?

D Day

Today is the day.

Today is the day that I break.

….and break and break  and break,

into a million peices, until the world ends.

My world ends.


Today is the day.

The day that I’m liberated.

….I’m free, I’m free, completely free,

until the world ends.

And I rejoice!


Today is the day.

Today is the day, I let my dreams die.

Today is the day that my hope  burns to the ground.

Today is the day I give up your ghost.

And out of those ashes, renewed  life will spring anew.

Death Comes But Once

They say death comes but once.
But this too is false, for death comes in many ways,
and can come many times.
Yes, my dear, death comes in many forms.

Some death comes in the blink of an eye.
Some death poisons slowly, festering & rotting as times slinks by.
Some death is infinitely sneaky, catching us by surprise.
But some death,
our death, is only apparent, when it has passed us by.
This death, our death,  is the death of our relationship.
How can you tell it’s dead? When it’s empty.  Empty and hopeless.
When the stench reeks of decay and excrement.
When it stings with hardheartedness and jagged edges.
When the taste of it as bitter and sour as the bile in your throat,
When the sound of your own heart dying has decimated your hope.
When all you can see is the pain of the past and a future that’s ice cold.
When your love becomes a burden so weary, it weighs heavy and crushes your soul.
That is how you know that death  has settled in. That your death, my death, the death of our relationship is here to stay.
So in the end it comes to this….
Stay in a dead, but comfortable relationship,
Or say our final goodbye’s and face the unknown?
I have made my choice.
It is the only one I can live with.

Never Doubt I love

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.”

Never doubt that I love you.

But my darling, this love is not enough.

It’s not enough to love your laugh, or your mischievous smile,

It’s not enough to love when you hold me in your arms for a while.

It’s not enough to love your sense of humor and  how you make me laugh a lot,

It’s not enough to love how you finish my sentences and echo my thoughts.

It’s not enough to love our shared history and dreams of our future plans,

It’s not enough to love who you once were and  I always wished you  would be again.

It’s not enough to love the easiness of comfort and companionship,

It’ not enough to love your charm, your wit and your cleverness.

It’s not enough to share private jokes and adore your charming manner,

It’s not enough to love you like a mother loves her son or daughter.


A marriage needs more.  And there is more, somehow, somewhere, there is more.

Marital love needs trust first and foremost, and you’ve proven over and over that you can be trusted by none.

Marital love demands maturity, someone who can take responsibility for their mistakes and learn from them.

Marital love requires that we both grow up, because as we grow, our lives (and future children) greatly depend on each other.

Marital love takes self control, that doesn’t blame, or lash out in violence to cause others pain.

Marital love doesn’t seek to control, manipulate and isolate just to foster dependency, so that they never have to be alone.

Marital love must be willing to sacrifice their own needs and fears,  and even change for the one they love.

  I know that I too,  have so much to learn. And still, I choose to go. I leave, knowing there’s a chance that I may never find this kind of  dependable love in a person.  But It’s a risk I am willing to take.

 

Disillusionment

Here is an unrhyming poem I wrote about a month ago.


With every touch, in every glance, my heart pulses with the whisper “traitor, traitor, that’s who you’ve become”

An inside joke, a warm gesture, A comfortable familiarity between you & I, but then words flash across my vision “traitor, traitor”.

A smile, a laugh, & constant companionship & Oh, how I love you, and my heart whispers “There are no Lies, nothing is wrong, I imagined it all & I can let it go”

But then, just there, how did I miss it? As obvious as the sun. It’s there written in your eyes. Written in guilt plastered all over your face. Lurking behind the mask you use.

You tell me I’m mad, that I’ve lost all control, but I must trust my eyes over your words, your lies.

I know what I’ve seen, I know what I saw & it kills me to know.

It shatters the image I had of you, it shatters the past I’ve shared with you.

My heart begs me to forget, but I wont lie to myself for your sake.

But it hurts, deeper than any pain I’ve encountered. It breaks my heart in more ways than I can express.  So much grief from betrayal weighs me down. How can I go on standing?

Because,

Every time you say her name, I know.

Every time your smile beams, because she’s texted you back. It’s as though a dagger has pierced my soul, & I know.

Every time I ask what your doing on your phone & you hide it from me, I know.

Every time you lie & think I’ve fallen for it. I know.

When I look in your eyes, I see you contemplate it, you rationalize & justify your feelings.

You must think I’m so stupid. But I know, I know.

And it makes me sick. when I think of you with her at work.

It makes me sick, when I watch you try so desperately to impress her.

It makes me sick, knowing you leave early for work just to see her.

It makes me sick, when you try so hard to to justify your infatuation.

And it makes me sick when you say to me “I love you, I’m here for you.” Because, I know. Oh, how much I know.

You think you’ve got me fooled. Well, you must feel so proud.

You think you have the best of both worlds by keeping us both around.

But I know you want the attention,  I know where this mindset leads.

I am NOT my husbands keeper, I’ve learned the hard way to let you make your own mistakes.

But this one my dear, this IS TOO FAR, this mistake will cost you everything.

Will cost you the one person, who would have done anything, given up everything, who has laid down her own life for your sake.

I have forgiven much, I’ve given you 2nd, 3rd & 4th chances, I have given you everything that I am, everything that is mine to give, I gave. I have laid myself bare before you.

I may not be perfect, But I have loved you & supported & encouraged you,  every step of the way.

You can not have us both. You can not win this wager. Only death will come of this.  The death of my love for you.

This is the one place from which there is no return.

It’s like I’m  watching you crash & burn in slow motion. And there’s nothing I can do to stop you.

 

So finally I confront you, I say “If you love me, you won’t talk to her” & you agree.

You promise not to share with her but you lie, you lie.

And still, every time you text her, I watch you smile to yourself.

I ask you what you’re doing & you lie, you lie.

You try to hide your smiles, but you can’t hide from me.

It’s plastered across your face for me to see (if I’m looking).

You  swear and you swear and you swear.

The lies tumble out of your mouth without regard.  For me,

for truth.  For anyone but you.

Nothing changes, still you swear your oaths to me.

You doom yourself with every lie.

Over and over you go around me, & behind me. But you never show a thing to me.

How can I in good conscience, bare my soul to you?

how can I share my life with one such as you?

Again you lie, so I lie back. Because how can I share my truths with you?

Round and round we lie, back and forth.

We play this game, but to what end?

I know my end, I play to get out..

But what do you play for?

To keep me? Or to alienate me? To just get away with as much as you can?

Why? Why do you play this game?

Why do you play me?

Late Night Wonderings…

I’ve searched for love far and wide.
I’ve pushed and pulled, prodded and tried.
Ive hungered for love desperately.
Only to give up and say, its not what I need.

I’ve tried so hard, to be my best,
I’ve tried too hard to be perfect.
but the only love I ever earned,
was your conditional love splintered with hurt.

Your heavy love, that weighs me like a chain,
your indecisive love that leaves me when I’m stained.
Your empty words and those desperate pleas,
and when your selfishness explodes, its a million apologies.

Your hardened heart that blames everything on me,
is why you feel alone, it’s why your sad & can’t see.
Open your eyes, I’ve been here for you,
even at cost to my self I stay, wanting to be true.

But I cant take it anymore,
you give love, then take it away and slam the door.
Somehow you think it’s all my fault,
if  I could be better, would I get a different result?

I’ve been alone for so long now, I’ve had to shut you out,
it’s gotten too painful to let you run about.
The walls are up, strong and withstanding,
to keep out your expectations and your love demanding.

It’s a barricade, no explosion can ever take down,
but at the cost of having my once best-love around.
Still we shout, and Still we rage.
Still we writhe and scream in pain.

We’re broken, trying to love when we’re shattered,
trying to love with a love that’s broken in tatters.
Trying to love with sunken hearts, on sinking ships.
Trying to love with towering walls and lying lips.

We’re empty, we’re lonely, we’re hollow shells,
We’ve abandoned each other, in defense of ourselves.
So batter down the hatches, were gonna stay a while,
And when people ask us, we’ll just muster up a smile.

A relationship made of your sad, broken conditional love,
and my self protecting prophecy I must defend myself from.
I’ve given all of myself, I’ve given everything I have,
For you to do the same for me was my naive plan.

But you only gave in bits and pieces,
And your promises, well they’re all so meaningless.
Is it hopeless? Perhaps. So we remove hope from the equation,
settle for what we have, as we watch love come undone.

But then you came rushing in like the wind unknown.
So close as you melted my heart cold as stone.
And you told me that I don’t have to try so desperately,
Try to get a morsel of his love, because your giving it freely!

You showed me, love is beautiful and exactly what I need,
because it is always given freely to those who are in need.
I don’t have to beg, I don’t have to pull love or take it,
I don’t have to perform or earn it, without any mistakes.

Love is free for the taking,
this love is healing in the making,
This love that gives me the hope of life,
and restores the light behind my eyes.

But can it be so easy?
I fear you wont be there when I’m needy.
Or that you’ll withhold and take way,
And pull the rug out from underneath me.

Are you faithful? Are you always true?
Will you turn away, if I shut down and run from you?
Will you stay here? always offering your hand?
Or will you turn away for any reason to leave me abandoned?

Can I trust you? And will you always remain?
Because I’m tired of trusting in love that leaves, when I’m shamed.
I’m afraid, to let anyone in, including your presence.
Is there hope? Is your love as heavy as his?

You say you love me? But I still don’t know why.
I’ll never understand it, but I’m grateful all the while.
Are you still near? Are you near God?
Can you piece back together my soul and help me move on?

While I’m stuck here, sunken in and buried,
The quicksand came and destroyed the house I was building.
Can I lose your love? I guess that’s really what I’m wondering.
Can I lose it, by being unfaithful, by failing or running and hiding?

Can I lose your love, like I’ve lost his?
Because at the end of the day, the truth of it is..
I’d rather be alone, than live in fear of losing love.
I can no longer bare the pain of love lost and undone.

Is your love truly steadfast, like they all say?
Is it true, dependable and forever unconditional in every way?
It sounds too good to be true.
But I cling tightly to the hope that it is.

…… And with the dawn comes the warmth of knowing that your love really & truly is that good.

The Baggage and the Birdcage

Here’s an old poem I wrote years ago, during a season where I was learning how to love.


The Baggage and the Birdcage

I am a traveler gladly leaving my hometown,
Ready to live where ever this plane next hits the ground.
Carrying my only belongings; my baggage and my birdcage,
Inside my little birdie is safe and carefully tucked away.
Covered and locked in her cage she sleeps curled,
she’s far too precious to let loose in the cold dark world.
I quickly board the plane as the engine stars; it roars to life,
I wave good bye out the window, then see a stranger on my right.
I’ve noticed you travel with no bags; strangely your hands are empty,
Your eyes unusually hopeful, while your heart is open and ready.
Your smile is inviting, eyes innocent, as your voice soothes,
Slowly your hand stretches out to me, offering what is true.
Oh how I want to take your offer, and take that lovely hand!
How I long to move to you, without hesitation and just dance.
But the plane is lurching violently, as it leaps up from the ground
Turbulence hits; I squeeze my eyes shut, afraid to look around.
I wrap my arms around my birdcage, so desperate to protect,
Clutching tightly to my baggage, I’m braced for what may come next.
But the plane mellows out, so I again open my eyes..
To find your gaze still on me, beckoning me; arise!
Your eyes glitter with patience, your smile beams soft and gentle,
You offer me your hand once more, in a gesture that’s so simple.
My heart leaps to my chest, It longs to cry out “yes!”
But instead my eyes desperately search for a place to hide and rest.
Still holding my cage, I ache for a safe place to recover,
But still you smile at me and wait, so unlike any other.
Your gaze tells me tales of hope, of passion and make believe,
Tales of an adventure filled life, like we’ve always dreamed.
As you uncover your own heart, it clear you’re a charming prince
And I can’t help but be drawn in, for you’ve made such an imprint.
You even make my little bird flutter, chirp and tweet!
But it’s not quite safe yet, and I can’t bare to set her free.
As your understanding grin surrounds me like a magic carpet,
She rises up untangling herself, willing to leave her cage of hardness!
Now all I know for certain, is the ache to dance in your arms,
I decide to do what I’ve always feared and let her loose; my heart.
I put down my baggage and search for the key that’s inside,
The key I’ve long been guarding, buried and hidden from time.
With trembling fingers, I take my bird’s cage and turn the key,
The cage door flings open as she rushes to you; finally set free!
She soars with reckless abandon, as I rise to take your hand.
And there in the middle of the crowded plane, we begin to dance.
The struggle is over! My heart and head rest in the same place,
I think to myself, “I am content to be forever lost in your embrace.”

The Little Red Balloon

Here’s another poem I wrote a few years ago….


I saw a picture as I closed my eyes
A beautiful portrait of you and I.
You were just a boy, and I just a small girl,
two carefree children in a bright, hopeful world.
First I saw her as a hunched up child hiding in a corner,
in a dismal world with gray and dreary muffled borders.
Then I saw her rise in one swift movement
she sprung up from the ashes to pour out atonement.
She ran with all her strength into a new dimension,
she ran with her arms stretched out offering to him.
As she steps into this new world, colors change hearts shift,
the world is bright and lively and with color souls are lit.
She hands him a balloon red in color and emotion,
and offers it to him ensuring all that is in her is kept open.
She is offering him love pure and unadulterated,
She is offering him all she is, regardless of what’s expected.

I saw this picture of you and I as children in a park,
we had no pain no blemishes no scars upon our hearts.
I saw the life and hope spring up with joy anew,
I saw myself pour wholeheartedly and unreservedly ……. into you.

Heavy, Sad Love

It’s A Heavy, Sad Love, When I’m Loving You


My soul is bleeding,
My hope is leaving,

Do you see?

My life is fading,
My will to go on-failing.

Do you see?

This band is prison,
I’m dead, un-living.

Do you see?

My soul is weary,
I ache with fury.

Do you see? No.

I dream asleep,
I dream awake.

Do you see?

My soul beaten down.
In tears I drown.

Do you see?

I die each day.
Change the past I pray.

Do you see?

I die more with each lie.
I lose with every compromise.

Do you see? No

Sorrow is strangling,
I wither painfully.

Do you see?

Speech is suffocated,
Heart’s emaciated.

Do you see?

Hide whats painful.
Bury the betrayal.

Do you see?

I sob unknown
And weep alone.

Do you see? No.

Mourn for love’s paradise lost
If I go, what is the cost?
How much longer I ask myself?
I’ll imagine I am somewhere else.

I exist for you.         Do you see? Yes.
You see what you want to see.
This heavy love imprisons me.

My heart is retreating.
My guts are bleeding.

Do you see?

I’m bleeding out.
I die slow now.

Do you see ME? No.

You see what you want to see.
You see yourself, you see your want,
you see your need.
But You do not SEE me.

Wake me when it’s over
My life I surrender,
I’ve begged and screamed
Desperate for scraps, I cling.

The light is dying.
My soul is crying,

Do you see?

Heart is starving,
I’m never disarming.

Do you see? No

Yet Still I love you. Still I love thee,
I see what I wish to see…
I see yourself, I see your want,
I see your need.
But still you do not know me.