Category Archives: May You Never Lose Your Wonder (Learn)

Never lose your sense of childlike wonder. Marvel at the simplest things.
Appreciate the little things we often overlook. There’s magic to be found there.
Never lose your wonder as you wander through life… but even as you retain your childlikeness, don’t stay a child. There are always lessons to be learned in the midst of difficult circumstances.
Never stop learning, and when people show you their true colors and who they really are inside.
Believe them.

What does Gas-lighting look like?

Are You Being Gas-lighted?


Gas-lighting is when you “manipulate someone through psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

But what does that really mean? Well simply put,  it’s when you have someone in your life (could be a spouse or parent) who intentionally sows seeds of doubt into you, so that you doubt your own reality. They continually discredit your own thoughts, ideas, beliefs until  you no longer trust your own eyes and mind. Until you doubt things you once knew for certain!

More often than not, you will need to be relatively isolated for this type of “brainwashing” to work. So this person will aim to keep you alienated from others, and distrusting of everyone but them, so that in time, you learn to take their word as complete truth. They will tell you all kinds of awful things about your friends and family and will also tell you about how your friends and family complain about you  (or don’t like you). This will cause you to stop trusting everyone else and trust only the person gas-lighting you.

Your independence  will slowly evaporate, and so will your self esteem. You won’t feel confident enough to make friends or open up to anyone except for the person gas-lighting you.

They have you right were they want you, now they can tell you any lies and treat you any way they want, knowing that they’ll get away with it. They have effectively convinced you that a) those things never happened, or b) that you overreacting and are irrational or “crazy”.

Seems intense right? But gas-lighting, doesn’t have to be intense and obvious for it to be dangerous.  Even a small amount of subtle gas-lighting can be very harmful, as it will gradually eat away at your perception of reality.

If you think you are being gas-lighted here is a list of red flags from  Psychology Today. These ten symptoms are all pretty common in gas-lighting victims.

  1. You start to question if you are too sensitive. ( Example:  You’re told you are too easily offended and need to stop holding on to things from the past and just get over it!)
  2. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions. (Ex: You feel so indecisive and lack the confidence to make a decision and stand up for it. Also the gas-lighter twists everything in circles so that you can’t get anywhere in a conversation or argument.)
  3. You find yourself constantly apologizing. (Ex: Even when someone wrongs you, you get pulled into sympathizing and coddling them, and start apologizing for anything and everything. Or maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and are afraid to set them off.)
  4. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy. (Ex: Perhaps everything looks good on the outside of your life and yet you are miserable, depressed and hopeless.)
  5. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior. (Ex: You justify it, because they don’t know any better, or because they had a bad day, or bad childhood and so on.)
  6. You feel like you can’t do anything right. (Ex: You are always the problem, always messing up. Eventually you start to question your own sanity. You wonder whats wrong with you!)
  7. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others. (Ex: Your self confidence has been stripped away and your self esteem has hit a new low.)
  8. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. (Ex: You hardly recognize or like  yourself anymore. You feel totally insecure or diminished.)
  9. You are constantly second-guessing yourself. ( Ex: Did that even happen like you think it did? Perhaps you’re irrational and  imagining it.)
  10. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things. (Ex: You think they don’t understand him/her like you do. Or you don’t know how or want to talk about it, because your not even sure whats real anymore.)
  11. You start lying to avoid the accusations.  (Ex: You are sick of your version of events being so twisted, that you start lying about what happened just to avoid the accusations and confrontation that you know will inevitably be twisted.)

Do you recognize yourself any any of these? If you do, know that you are not crazy! Not even a little bit!

If you feel like you are being gas-lighted by a spouse or parent, my suggestion is for you to get as far away from them as possible! But, since I know that getting out isn’t always possible, here are a couple ways for you to take your power back and regain your sanity.

  • Stop taking responsibility for their feelings.
  • Don’t believe everything they say, recognize them for what they are: A Liar.
  • Don’t let them blame you for their actions. They are responsible for what comes out of them, not you!
  • Learn how to draw healthy boundaries & enforce them.
  • spend time around people who will encourage you & build you up, rather then tear you down.
  • Trust yourself, trust your instincts & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • Stick up for yourself! That also means knowing when to walk away.
  • The moment you feel them trying to guilt trip you, reject it. Don’t let the guilt in!
  • Spend time pampering & loving yourself.
  • Find ways to regain your self esteem, & independence, do something you once loved to do.
  • Write things down, so that it will be easier for you to trust your own memory.
  •  Get some counseling or find some one mature you can talk with, to help you sort through all the lies.
  • Remember that people often accuse other of what they are guilty of, similarly people are cruel and shaming to others, after they have first treated themselves that way.  So know that it really isn’t you  with the problems… it them.

For more info or help about gas-lighting check out the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201610/10-ways-tell-if-youre-being-gaslighted

Pearls

Some of you might feel like you are enlightened…

Like you know alot about life, and you’re probably right.

Perhaps you’re really observant and discerning so you watch people struggle or make problems and think, “if only they knew ______ they would be better off.”

Or maybe you think  “they could fix there problems, if they only knew this particular thing, that I’ve had to learn the hard way!”You think that you could save them this whole struggle, if you could just teach them what you learned when you went through the very same thing!

So maybe you decide to go tell them  exactly what they can do to fix things, or how they can see things clearly and make better choices. So you give them your best advice, knowing that it is valuable and helpful.

After all, hindsight is 20/20, you can look back on what you have learned and share it with others so they don’t make the same mistakes you did. So awesome right!?

So you give your advice thinking you’ve helped them. Maybe it’s someone close to you, you tell them how to make things better but they don’t listen, so you keep trying to help them,  trying to teach them, trying to encourage them… you go round and round in circles trying to solve their problems for them (since you have a good head on your shoulders you might as well help, right?) Wrong.

Because eventually (after trying your hardest and expending all your energy and resources) you will discover that you’re getting nowhere. That you’re not actually helping anyone!

You can’t force someone to learn, to grow or improve. They have to want it.  And sadly most people in the world don’t want someone to tell them what will work better (even if it will). Because they are going to do, what they are gonna do regardless of what you recommend, or want from them.
So wait to be asked, wait until someone genuinely wants help.

And keep in mind that even when someone asks for help or advice, more often then not, they just want you to affirm what they already plan on doing.

It’s REALLY hard to keep your mouth shut when you know things that can help others. It’s hard not to stop some one, when you know they are about to veer off course into a terrible head on collision.

But if they don’t want it. They will not hear it, and you’ll only exhaust yourself with the effort.

You have to let people make their own mistakes. Even though you can save them, they have to muddle through there own mess until they decide its worth it to try a different way!

For some that may take a lifetime, and it may be incredibly painful for you to stay involved and watch them sort through it all. Which is why, sometimes its OK to take a step away from that relationship, so they don’t drag you down with them.

No matter how many times you try to beat good sense  into someone’s head, it’s not going to stick.

There have been so many times I fell for the line, “I want to be better, just teach me how, tell me and show me what to do.”

Only to find that this person completely disregarded every bit of advice I’d offered. Because they only wanted the appearance of change, but never made any effort to follow through!

Sometimes people will burst into tears, and beg you to help them. Only to turn around and keep doing the same self destructive and hurtful things.  They fall back into the same cycles of dysfunction that they always default to. But why? The tears seemed so genuine and they truly seemed like they wanted to be better!

What most people don’t realize is that they weren’t really crying tears of regret, they just wanted to change the topic from you giving them your hard-won advice, to you comforting them and feeling sorry for them. They had no intention of changing, they just want you to sympathize with them, so that you can learn to be OK with how they act. (Some might refer to this as gas-lighting & brain washing.)

Eventually you start to understand where they’re coming from, so you lower your standards.  Suddenly you begin to sympathize with why they act the way they do, and why they treat you the way they do. You begin to accept (or minimize) the bad behavior and stop expecting  that you be treated well.  Little by little, you justify and explain away their poor choices as your self respect, self esteem and self confidence gradually diminish.

Every once in a while  (when they cross a line) they’ll put on such a great act of contriteness and sorrow, that you’ll believe it! Because you want to believe it, because you want to think that you are helping them, grow, change and mature.

But you’re not, you’re just falling for an elaborate and age-old act.

Don’t fall for it!

Don’t be so blinded by what you want people to be, that you start seeing what isn’t even there!

Don’t be so blinded that you can’t see the performance that’s right in front of you.

And don’t cast your pearls of wisdom before swine.

Don’t try to help someone who doesn’t want help. You will end up wearing yourself raw, spending all you’re energy trying to change/help someone who doesn’t want to change.  And they probably won’t ever change, because they’ve got YOU in their life, always nearby to fix things, and pick up the broken pieces. So that their life can continue, without them ever having to grow up or mature and be responsible for their own mistakes.

After all, why would they want to change? They’ve got you nearby to rescue them, and all they have to do is pretend like they want to be better, so you’ll stick around desperately trying to save/help them.  Because you see the potential for good… But remember if they DO NOT want to change (which means they’re willing to work hard and make sacrifices and stop putting themselves first) then you are wasting your time.  They have to WANT it so desperately, that they will pursue it, with or without you there to help.

How The Beauty & The Beast Story Really Ends

Beauty & The Beast  AKA “The Rescuer & Mr.  Potential”

Beauty and The Beast was one of my favorite movies as child, I absolutely adored Belle and really identified with how bookish and nerdy she was. I always thought the ending was so romantic. I’m sure you all know the story, Belle falls in love with an angry & broken Beast, because she see’s the potential & the good in him. They fall in love, he softens up and becomes a better man and then they all live happily ever after!

This is a well known fairy tale that has constantly been retold and re-imagined. People of all generations seem to admire & love this story. (I know I did!) The problem is, the love  story behind it is a myth.  It is a complete work of fiction. Love doesn’t work that way. Belle & the Beast would not live Happily Ever After, in reality their romance would be much, much more strained and difficult.

Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t give imperfect people a chance. We should. (After all, we all hit some low points in life) I’m saying that there is a healthy way that takes a lot of hard work and a very dysfunctional, self destructive way that causes a lot of pain.

Scenario 1. Cautiously Investing in the Beast

Belle has compassion for a cruel & broken Beast (man or woman) &  wants to save him. She see’s that he’s hurting and is taking out his inner pain (in the form of angry outbursts) onto others.  So she gives him an opportunity to be a healthier, stronger & kinder person, by being a good example herself. She doesn’t try to teach or influence him and she only helps when the Beast humbly asks for it.

Then she watches and waits to see if the Beast is actually putting any effort into changing. (Does he  truly want what she has? ) And if he is making an effort, then Belle knows it’s worth it to take a chance on him.  Belle knows that undoing an entire lifetime of  wrong ways of thinking, of hurtful habits, cruel tendencies, angry outbursts and temper problems is incredibly difficult to change! So she lets him change before she lets herself fall madly in love with him. This may seems less romantic, or less exciting, but Belle is wisely deciding if her investing in the Beast is going to be worthwhile.

Similarly the Beast must be willing to accept personal responsibility and choose everyday to change his character. The Beast also has to relearn everything he once knew about himself and relationships. (which is NO easy task!) He has to commit to putting in the hard work of changing and bettering himself. And he must stop letting his own personal pain blind him from the damage he is causing others.

Belle needs to understand that this is something he has to do and has to choose on his own. And that change won’t happen over night, it’s gonna be a long and difficult process for the Beast. He will absolutely make mistakes and will let her down and will subsequently  hurt her in the process. Belle has to be willing to take that risk. She also has to challenge herself to see the Beast as he really is, not as how she wants him to be. And she has to resist the urge to fix him. He must fix himself!

If the Beast makes no effort to rescue/change himself, then Belle can  put her own, emotional and physical safety before his (without feeling guilty) and can leave the unhealthy relationship.

Seems pretty tough doesn’t it? But consider the other alternative, the easier, and more common relationship dynamic that we see again and again in fairy tales and romantic comedies…


Scenario 2. Belle romantically saves the Beast from himself.

Belle has compassion for a cruel & broken man (or woman) and wants to save him. She see’s that he’s hurting & taking out his inner pain on others. She believes that there is something special about her that will bring out the Beast’s inner goodness. She wants to help him! More than he wants to help himself. (After all if he really wanted to be happier/ better, he would be making some sort of effort on his own.) Belle decides that she knows how to help him become a better person and begins teaching him how to grow up and change. (AKA mothering him). She falls in love with him and his potential and continues molding him into the person he could be! It’s all so wildly romantic!

But once they’re in love, it gets messy. Belle (being the good natured and nurturing woman that she is) will continually sacrifice her own needs, for the Beast needs. She will value him above all else. And he will also value himself above all else.

When the Beast acts mean or hurtful, Belle will try even harder to fix/help him. With good intentions she’ll keep teaching him (but the Beast will eventually see it as nagging).  Because Belle believes she is helping her Beast learn how to be a healthy, kind and loving man, she’ll motivate him by dangling her love in front of him. But the Beast won’t learn the lesson she’s teaching.

Instead he learns very quickly, that the better he acts and performs for her, the more affection and good times he will have with her.  (ie, her love is conditional and he has to put on a good performance to get her affection, he can’t be himself around her.) Belle thinks she’s gotten through to him and this reaffirms her desire to fix and rescue him from his pain and poor behavior.  Seems like a happily ever after right??

The difference here, is that the Beast hasn’t actually changed, he’s just become a better actor. The Beast will still engage in the same mean and selfish behaviors like he’s always has. He may apologize or justify his behavior, saying “I’ve had a bad day” or “I’m stressed out” or “I’ve been through too much.”  Or he may be more manipulative and claim “I did that because you did this….” or “I don’t know how to be any different or be better, this is just who I am.”

But these are all excuses designed to make Belle feel guilty and responsible for the beasts mistakes/abuse. Typically the reason for the Beasts underlying harmful behaviors can stem from either depression, severe anxiety, childhood trauma/abuse, PTSD or addictions. (All very sad things, that are easy to sympathize with!) The Beast unfortunately won’t take any responsibility for his actions towards Belle (or else he would have done it long before Belle showed up at his door!)

In fact, he now has the perfect scapegoat…. Belle. He will convince himself that her constant nagging and desire to fix him, is whats causing his inner turmoil and therefore bad behavior and choices. The Beast will take advantage of her kind, helping nature, he will let her pour herself out for him, and then give very little in return. (Why? Because he can! Belle lets him.)

Belle will wonder how he can be so cruel to her, after all she’s only tried to help him and love him in her imperfect way. The relationship will begin to feel very once sided as Belle continues to take care of, and take responsibility for the Beast. The Beast will resent and blame Belle for his problems and Belle will eventually believe that she really is the cause of all the strife. Years will go by, and ever so slowly Belle will finally realize that he hasn’t actually changed his character at all. He’s just put on a very convincing performance.

Yes, the Beast may have heard all her advice, but he didn’t take it to heart, he didn’t learn how to put his selfishness aside. And he didn’t make any inward changes to build his character, instead he says what he knows Belle wants to hear. (After all she’s been telling him for years what she wants/needs from him).  He will say the words she’s been longing  for, but it wont be genuine, because behind her back he’ll revert to the person he always was. (He hasn’t really changed at all!) He is still just as dysfunctional and beastly as he was in the beginning, he’s just much better at hiding it now. This will of course exhaust and stress him, because he’s hiding who he is, always acting and performing for Belle. This in turn will cause him to be even more short-tempered than he was in the beginning.  And his abusive nature will continually slip through the cracks and sadly, Belle will get used to it and tolerate it more and more. Like a frog in a frying pan, she won’t realize how bad it is, until it gets much worse. Most likely she will change into 1 of 3 options:

  1. A hurt, angry and bitter woman who becomes controlling and manipulative in order to get the kind of love (or revenge) she desires from the Beast.
  2. Or she will become depressed, exhausted, defeated and desperate to numb or escape the emotional pain, disappointment and heartbreak she feels.
  3. Or she’ll be so lonely and desperate for love that she’ll start looking for another person to fall in love (or in lust) with.

In all 3 of these scenarios Belle becomes miserable, lonely and disappointed and finds herself unable to connect and revive the romance she once had with the Beast. AND most likely she’ll end up searching for another Mr. potential to rescue, and then repeat the cycle. After all, it’s what she’s become accustomed to.

OR she can take responsibility for her own actions, own up to how she was forcing the Beast to be something he’s not (and didn’t ever want to be). She can realize how she was enabling his bad behavior, even though she thought she was helping him. She can also take a hard look at herself and question her inner need to save people… perhaps all along she really just needed to save and rescue herself.

So the next time you find your self infatuated with the romantic notion of rescuing the broken, brooding  Edward Cullen type, remember that this particular fairy-tale is a recipe for disaster.  It takes either a lot of work and commitment and maturity from you and your partner…. or ends in self destruction and heartbreak for both people.

 

Fail spectactularly

Most people are afraid of failure and afraid of change.  We are afraid to try anything new, or step outside of our comfort zones. So we settle, we get used to things as they are. We choose the easy road, and surrender to our circumstances.  We choose not to fight, not to risk, and choose the path of less resistance.

But deep down inside, we know we desire something better. Something more.  Because somewhere deep inside us there’s a fire, that  burns with fiery passion. Our souls long to do something, or be someone, but we’re too afraid to answer the call.

Why are we afraid to try?

We’re afraid of failing, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of being laughed at, of being scolded. We’re afraid of stepping out, and changing  what we are used to. Afraid of leaving our predictable, controllable lives.  And sometimes were afraid of disappointing those close to us. So we stay where we are. We try to convince ourselves that we like what we’re doing. We lie to ourselves, so well that we don’t even know that we’re doing it. We do it so often that we don’t even recognize the sound of our hearts screaming, “Set me free! I’m dying in here!” We smother our dreams, we bury our passions and ignore our what our heart desperately longs to do.

Don’t let fear of failure crush your passion and stifle your hearts. Don’t let your soul wither away because you’re afraid to follow your dreams. It might seem like that fear of failure is protecting you, keeping you from making a fool of yourself. But if the cost is letting your soul’s deepest desire wither away, then its not worth it!!

Here’s what I’ve learned…that failure, actually isn’t something to fear. Sure, it can be scary as we go through it, but it isn’t something we should shy away from.

How can you stop fearing failure?  By  changing  your mindset.    (After all fear is really all in your head.)
Here are some examples of people who failed terribly and were able to pick themselves back up and keep going. Hopefully they inspire and encourage you to never give up!

• Oprah was fired from her first job as a TV anchor in Baltimore…. And look at her now, she’s a star, and everyone knows her name.

• Thomas Edison’s teachers said that he was “too stupid to learn anything.” But he kept learning and inventing. Then he failed 1,000 times trying to invent the light bulb! But he didn’t give up, until he got it right. He kept trying until he finally got that dang light bulb to work! Thanks Thomas! Electricity is awesome.

• Winston Churchill actually failed the sixth grade! Then he was defeated every time he ran for public office, it took him until he was 62 to actually get elected! And  then he pretty much saved the United kingdom by keeping it from falling apart during the war.  Would the UK have survived the war, if Winston had given up and stopped running for office?

• Dr Seuss had his first book rejected by 27 different publishers. 27 different companies that that what he wrote was garbage, and not profitable. Who knew?

• J.K. Rowling was a broke, divorced single mother trying to write her first novel, while studying in school. She often felt depressed and thought of herself as a failure. And now, well, now she’s insanely rich and successful.

• Van Gough only ever sold one painting in his lifetime, it wasn’t until he died that anyone took any interest in his art. Poor Van Gough… but he didn’t quit, he kept on painting.

• Walt Disney was fired because, “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Then he started a business, but failed and had to file bankruptcy. But he kept trying, and didn’t give up on his dreams! And now we all have Walt to thank for some of our greatest childhood memories.

• Abraham Lincoln was demoted from captain to private, in the military and his businesses failed several times. He even ran for office and was defeated several times! And of course now he has a giant monument dedicated in his honor in D.C. and is the most celebrated President  America has ever had.

The point is this, everyone one  fails, but successful people are the ones who take responsibility, learn from their  mistakes and then keep going! They keep setting goals and striving to reach them no matter, how often they fall. They use there mistakes as an opportunity to try it a different way, and understand that failure is a really useful learning experience.  Successful people don’t avoid failure, they embrace it! Because they know that failure is the most powerful teacher.

If all the worlds a stage, then let yourself soar, and don’t worry about who sees you fall. (Most people are too self absorbed to really keep track of everything you do anyways.)

So fail spectacularly! Fail with style! Let people wonder how you can be so strong that you bravely keep getting back up! And sure, there may be those who who think your foolish, for refusing to stay down. But just remember that you’ll prove em wrong in the end! Because your life is a stage, meant for soaring, falling, learning, trying and succeeding. Don’t let life pass you by, knowing you were too afraid to listen to your heart and follow your dreams.

What are you afraid of?

I make you weak at the worst of all times.
I keep you surrendered, I keep you resigned.
I make your hands sweat, and your heart grow cold,
I visit the weak, but seldom the bold.

What am I?

Fear.

Fear is something we all carry  with us, but somehow think it’s there to protect us.

Perhaps that was once true for us when we were young. Back when fear told us not to play in the street and to never trust strangers. But the more we give power to and agree with fear as we grow older, the more it takes over us.

Its so subtle that we don’t even see it. Like a familiar companion we think we need to survive, we trust it, because its helped us in the past. It claims to still be working in our best interest and insists that it will protect us if we will listen to it’s voice.

But the truth is we don’t need fear once we’ve grown up. Because fear cripples us.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways. 1 Corninthians 13:11

Imagine that fear is a person. Like Parallax in this clip of the Green Lantern.  (I realize it’s sort of a cheesy movie, but bear with me!) Throughout the movie Hal has to face the fact that he is afraid of failing as the Green Lantern.  Watch the clip and imagine that the monster Green Lantern is fighting is in fact, fear himself.

  The monster taps into Hal’s greatest fears (because he is fear) and uses them against him.

Fear threatens Hal in the worst possible way and almost succeeds in killing him. But Hal realizes something…

The villain Fear, has no power of it’s own, the only power it has, is the power it can trick Hal in to giving up. Hal fights back, because he realizes the only reason fear could ever succeed, is if Hal agrees with it and by doing so gives up.

By giving up hope and agreeing that fear can fulfill its vicious claims, Hal gives up his power. Because fear can only take the power of someone it’s frightened into surrendering. It can do nothing on its own.

Once Hal realizes that fear can only win by getting him to agree with him, Hal changes his mindset.

And immediately the tide changes in his favor.

Hal stops being afraid.

He stops buying into the lie that he will fail and refuses to believe anything that has to do with fear.

He completely dismisses everything fear said by holding tight to the belief that he is unstoppable, he is powerful and no one can stand against him.

Now, I know this is a fictional and not very well received movie. But I learned a lot from this scene. After watching this movie I started thinking about how courageous I truly could be, once I stopped listening to the lies of fear. Suddenly I wasn’t afraid of fear, but confident that it was nothing more than an ant under my boot. Some verses that came to mind are:

Deuteronomy 31:8
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 118:6 “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Isaiah 41:10 “Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:13
“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

So be bold, If God is for us, who can be against us?

Be strong and believe in yourself. You hold all the power, the only power fear has is what you give it!

Fear doesn’t protect you, it cripples you.

Fear keeps you from following your  dreams, and your calling,

Fear blinds you to who you really are.

Fear blinds you to who other people really are.

Fear keeps you trapped in the same cycle of dysfunction.

Fear keeps you making the same mistakes in relationships.

Fear keeps you  squelching your true self, because you’re trying so hard to please others.

Fear suffocates you.

So stop believing its lies, and abandon it.

The little that fear has done to keep you safe, isn’t worth the damage it does to you in the long run.

Do something you are afraid of and when that fear rises up, and tells you all the scary things that could happen, remind yourself of the opposite.

Remind yourself that God has given you Power, Love and a sound mind and that fear has no right to intrude on your thoughts.

Challenge your fears, don’t let them challenge you.

The Dreamer and the Doer

Are you Dreamer (a visionary) Or a Doer?

The Dreamer: An imaginative person who is idealistic and dreams a lot. (not sleeping dreams). They think about the big picture. They strategize and plan projects and tend to dream big. They are imaginative and see the potential for what could be. They embrace new things and are a catalyst for change.

quote-George-Santayana-an-artist-is-a-dreamer-consenting-to-3786

The Doer: A person who acts, rather then talking or thinking. The doer is all about action. They are  driven, go getter’s who want results. They focus on productivity rather than the big picture and their goals are much more realistic than the dreamers are.

15067-Wayne-W-Dyer-Quote-A-non-doer-is-very-often-a-critic-that-is

Both the Dreamer and the Doer have important qualities, with strengths and weakness’s. Neither is better than the other, In fact to be truly successful we need a little bit of both, or just partner with someone who can do what you cant!

The Dreamer’s Weakness: Dreamer’s tend to have a hard time finishing their projects and seeing them thru to completion. They tend to give up easily because they lose focus. The get bogged down in the details and can stop making progress. They also have a hard time with deadlines and tend to under deliver on their promises. They want to accomplish there dream on their own, but often times they will need the help of a Doer.

The Doer’s Weakness: Doer’s lack vision and tend to be short sighted. This often  causes a doer to get stuck in a rut and become unmotivated. “What’s the point of it all?!” They might say. They may feel like they have no end goal in mind, and seemingly no purpose. They tend to follow the same tried and true route and don’t like taking new risks. They also avoid change and dislike deviating from the plan.

Here is a chart that shows the differences really well, from http://chrisoatley.com

Paper-Wings-DreamersDoersChart_BluYlo-1

Help for the Dreamer’s:

  1. If you are a dreamer, don’t try to go it alone! Go find a doer to help you accomplish your goals.

2. Try writing down your goals and give yourself a deadline.  Then  break it down into smaller pieces and give yourself smaller weekly deadlines.  Then start doing it! You can motivate yourself, by giving yourself a reward only if you are able to meet the final deadline. (I often reward myself with shopping money, it’s pretty motivating!)

3. Remember that your ideas will almost always take more time and resources than you expect. So plan to have more than enough money, support, resources and time than you think you’ll really need.

4. Know that it’s OK that some dreams or goals won’t work out. Don’t  be afraid! And don’t stress over it! If it’s not working, (or failed) there’s no shame in failure. You still learned something!

5. If you feel like quitting, try looking at it from a different perspective and try a new approach. Or  you can always do a different project and come back to it at a later time. Just try to focus on moving forward in action.

6bddf88dcd50c3da027e2568b607fab2

Help for the Doer’s:

  1.If you are a doer, team up with a dreamer to help you to not lose direction. There’s nothing wrong with having a partner, who can support you and guide you.

2. Try to be open to possibilities and embrace change. Find someone who has a different perspective than you, and does things differently so you can learn from them and try it their way.

3. Give  yourself permission to dream bigger. Take time to dream and look at the big picture then write it all down! Then put it some where you will see it everyday, so it can inspire, encourage and motivate you to keep going.

4. Remember that you can’t do it all yourself, it’s OK to ask for help.  Or to tell people no, so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

5. Be curious and confident, and try to think outside of the box, like a dreamer would. Then go make it happen, you doer!!

the-world-needs-dreamers-and-the-world-needs-doers-but-above-all-the-world-needs-dreamers-who-do-quote-1-1

 

Dreamers are Visionaries

Dreamers are the visionaries of the world

As children we lived life wide eyed in wonder. We  wore rose colored glasses and life was a great discovery! It was such an exciting adventure to discover the magic of a world that was new. We were dreamers and believed the impossible.

So why is it as adults our perception of life becomes so black and white? It becomes matter of fact, with no room for imagination and dreams. It becomes about being realistic. It becomes routine and in some cases dull, and we search from thrill to thrill. It becomes about practicality and maintaining what we have, instead of about dreaming and pursuing the impossible.

I want to inspire people back to that place. There is a difference between being childish, and childlike.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I want it back….. that childlike wonder I once had! It’s not that I want the immaturity of my childhood back, I have learned so much in my  life. But I do want the spontaneity, fearlessness, imagination, simplicity and innocence I once carried.

I want to be uninhibited. To never be intimidated by risk.

I want to be without guile,  genuine to who I am!

I want to trust Fully. To love without reservation.

To always have a positive visionary outlook.

To expect the best life has to offer.

 To always question the system, and the status quo!

To inspire people.

To see the potential in things and and others, that most people don’t notice.

To make opportunities where there are none.

To see things thru and never give up.

To dream the impossible.

To never take being alive for granted!

To see the wonder of life.

To be a dreamer and a visionary.

……. Because the world needs more adults who still remember how to be childlike.

amazing-dreamer-galaxy-quotes-Favim.com-1077826

 

Stop working and live life!

Sometimes we get so caught up working that we forget to just slow down and enjoy life.

(Unless you happen to be one of the few peoples who get to do what they love for work.) You are probably someone who just works to keep the bills paid.

Now, I would like to say thank you for doing your part to help make the world go round! Thank you for working hard and doing a good job.

However,  there is freedom the  unrelenting cycle of work.

You don’t have to strive so hard. Slow down and remember that we  are not what we do.

Don’t get lost in the never ending American lifestyle of work.

Yes It’s true, that we are lucky to be living in America where we can work and pursue our dreams. But sometimes I think we’ve got it backwards. We put too much emphasis on material things and forget to enjoy just being alive.

Americans are in such a mad rush all the time to get things done.  We are just so dang busy! Constantly working, trying to climb hirer and hirer.

We’re all trying to keep up. But keep up with who?

With the Jones of course! The fictional American family that has everything and does it all. The American Ideal.

We try so hard to have and do it all, that we forget to relax and really live our lives!

We are either busy working or totally exhausted. That’s why we Americans love entertainment! We are so burnt out by the end of the day/week. That we just want to be able to sit on the couch and be entertained. We want to forget about the exhaustion for a while, and be absorbed into someone else’s drama for a change.  We want to focus on a more glamorous, or exciting, or mysterious, or humorous life. So we can forget about our own.

But not everyone one lives like this. When I was overseas I was very surprised to see how different life can be. For example In Italy and Spain they take time for several long coffee breaks throughout the day.  And they are known for taking 2 hour or more lunch breaks!  These breaks are to relax, and unwind, not scarf down food so we can keep working. In Italy they don’t really care so much about what you do. The care about you as a person. Not you as the banker or artist, or waitress, teacher.

The you without your job. Who are you outside of your job?

Take time to cultivate the you, that you are outside of work.

Take time to really LIVE, because you only live once.

So, if you feel like you only exist to work, here are a couple of suggestions for you. 🙂


  • Take time to slow down. Literally, walk slowly and actually notice your surroundings.
  • Notice the beauty in the small things, that you normally don’t see.
  • Take time off from work, to do something peaceful and surround yourself with beauty. It calms the soul.
  • Find something or someone you love, and spend your time with them.  Let them remind you of what is important in life.
  • Turn OFF you cell phone, ipad, computer and T.V. and leave it off for a whole day!
  • Challenge yourself.
  • Resist the urge to spend all your free time on the internet.
  • Do something your inner child would have loved to do. Think back, did little you ever say, ” I cant wait to grow up, because then I can…”? Then do it! Fulfill that child’s dream.
  • Or, intentionally take time off work to do something with your kids that you normally wouldn’t do.
  • Pursue your long lost hobbies. Ones you gave up on, or feel you don’t have time for. Force yourself to try it again. You’re never too old!
  • Send a message to a long lost friend.
  • Or reach out to someone who is going through a hard time. Be encouraging to them.
  • Take the scenic way home from work today. Stop somewhere you’ve never been! Make it an adventure.
  • Say yes, to something you normally say no to.
  • Imagine that your life has a soundtrack. Then decide what yours would sound like.  What message would your soundtrack be conveying? If you don’t like that message, make it better!
  • If it’s a sunny day, go for a stroll or, lay down in the grass and stare at the clouds.
  • Even if it is a stormy day, go outside and admire the beauty of nature in storm mode. Take a deep breathe of the refreshingly, cold air. And  appreciate it for what it is.
  • Dream big dreams.
  • Never stop dreaming.
  • Do something just because someone said it was impossible.
  • Give someone a hug, and linger for a moment in their embrace. Appreciate that this person still exists.
  • Smile more!
  • Use your imagination and create something.
  • Cut down on your expenses, so you aren’t a slave to your job!
  • Reduce, and reuse to save money.
  • Use your imagination and create something.
  • Go on a drive  with someone close to you and park somewhere that you can admire the stars. Contemplate whether or not there is life in a galaxy far, far away.
  • Treat yourself and get a relaxing massage!
  • Appreciate that you can still, walk, talk, see, taste and hear. Because not everyone can.
  • Then go eat some ice cream, just like a kid.
  • Give something to the less fortunate, it will remind you how lucky you are to be alive.
  • Force yourself out of your box and do something unusual!
  • Do something weird, just for the hell of it.
  • Be thankful that you have freedom. Use that freedom to do something you’ve never done. Tell your boss you’re sick today, then get out of the house and do something fun!
  • Smile and laugh for no reason at all. Let it confuse people.
  • Stop caring about what people think about you! It will set you free.
  • Dance and sing when your home alone.

Just remember,

Life is not about reaching a certain amount of moments, it is about a collection of moments where you have truly lived.

Things we never say, but should

How often are things left unsaid?
We just go about our normal lives in our routines and just get used to how things are and the people in our lives.
As if our family and friends will live forever.
But anything can happen,  and there is no guarantee that we will all be alive tomorrow.
So I for one, do not want to lose someone and then have to live with the regret of what I didn’t say.
I don’t want mourn over the words left unsaid, when it is too late to say them.
So, I’ve come up with a list to remind myself of things to say more often.
These phrases should be common things we say to our family and friends.
Because you never know what words might be your last.
So go ahead and play the music, as you read and feel free to comment with anything that I may have missed.

 


“I love you”
“You mean so much to me”
“How is your heart feeling today?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“I appreciate the little things you do”
“Thank you”
“You have a beautiful soul”
“You have the most amazing heart I have ever seen”
“I need you”
“You make me come alive”
“You make my heart smile”
“It’s been a pleasure knowing you”
“You have impacted my life in incredible ways”
“I’m with you, no matter what”
“I’m here for you, when you’re ready”
“Don’t give up”
“You are not a lost cause”
“I am so proud of you”
“There is no one like you, ever.”
“I love when you smile”
“It’s OK, everyone makes mistakes”
“I forgive you”
“You can never be replaced”
“Thank you for being who you are”
“Thank you for always sticking by me”
“You are good enough”
“You have purpose”
“You are worth fighting for”
“You mean the world to me”
“I’m so grateful to have you in my life”

 

Letter To My future Self

This letter is for me to read when I grow up.

I say “when I grow up” because I don’t feel like a grown up, in less than 2 months I will be 25 and yet I still feel like a kid. I don’t consider myself as a grown up at all. Perhaps I never will.

But nevertheless this letter is for my future self 25 years from now.

My own personal time capsule

__________________________________________________________________________

Not to be read until my birthday, April 1 2040

If you are reading this, I think it is safe to assume that there have been no apocalypses, natural disasters, wars or other end of the world scenarios, that have wiped out the face of the earth.

So congrats, You are still alive! You made it!! Pat yourself on the back!! You are still alive and kicking!  Also you and Giovanni have been married for 26 years!! Go out and celebrate. Right now! Seriously, I will wait…

Now I’m just going to assume you have traveled a lot of the world by now, if not, then stop wasting time and go see the world. Your kids should be old enough to get by without you. GO!! Sell what you can and spend some time traveling while you are still healthy!

Since that stuff is out of the way.

How are you? Still choosing to love above everything else? You haven’t let yourself grow cold and numb have you? I know it’s hard, life gets so painful, your tendencies are to push everyone away and build walls around your heart. Its so easy to hide out in your shell and let your heart grow hard in the name of self preservation

But DON’T!! Hold on to love, like it’s ALL you have! Because it is. Love is all that really matters in this life. I hope you haven’t let material things, career goals or anything else overshadow what is most important.

Love.

Loving yourself, loving your spouse, loving your children,  and loving your family and friends. They are the greatest treasures you can have on this earth. All the rest is just extra.

Don’t get so focused on other things that you let relationships slip away. I know you, relationships are vital, they are your life line. Without them  you simply wither away into isolation and resignation. DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO NUMB! Do not close yourself off from the world.  Keep forgiving and moving forward. Resist the urge to retreat inside your self. Continue to face the world head on, with open arms. Let Go of all the bitterness and hurt, let the past Go. Just let go. Trust that your scars will heal and that you will be OK.

So things didn’t work out the way you  wanted or planned them to. Life goes on. I promise you, if you do not give up, you WILL recover. If you refuse to give up, you open yourself up to tons of opportunities for life to get better. But if you give up mentally, emotionally or physically. Then its game over, there can be no more chances. There will be no more life.

Now if you keep holding on, things may get  worse, but then things may get better too. You still have so much time left, so many chances. So many opportunities for improvement. By not giving up, you are opening the door of possibilities. Endless possibilities for things to turn around.

Don’t give up on your dreams, even if society says your dreams are impossible and far fetched, give it your best shot.  Don’t be afraid. Challenge the status quo and follow your dreams. You were born to try.

Now tell me, what is technology like? Do we have flying cars yet? Can you teleport anywhere? Is the internet any less annoying? Are people still obsessed with selfies and taking pictures of there food and workout sessions? Is Facebook still full of ridiculous claims and advertisement overloads? Are people still obsessed with celebrities for no good reason?

Are politicians and CEO’s still grossly overpaid? Are people still obsessed with entertainment, while ignoring how people are suffering in third world countries? Are people still being  sold as sex slaves ? Are  children still going hungry on the other side of the world, or in your neighborhood?  Are countries still being oppressed?  And are religions or races still being persecuted? If so, what can you do to help stop it?

You have come so far, and you have been so blessed in life, go find some one less fortunate than you, who is in need and help them. With either your time, your resources, or your money.

How’s the environment? Are we taking care of the earth  our children will be inheriting? Have we moved to some amazing form of sustanaible energy? You  better have solar panels by now! Your car better not still run on gas and pollute the environment! Have we finally stood up to the food corporations and forced them to stop putting poisonous chemicals in our food?

I really, really hope so.

Now my guess is that in these 25 years you may have lost someone close to you. Instead of looking at what you lost, remember to treasure the time you did have with them. It was a gift. Thank God that you got to spend time with them and got to know there heart. Cherish all the moments that brought love and joy. Let those moments be a beacon for you, a bright light that will never stop shining.  Those memories can never be erased. And they have left in you such an impact, that will not go unnoticed. When someone in your life passes away, they will not be forgotten, they have left  their mark on you. They live on in you. So carry on their legacy with your head held high. You just might see them again someday.

Oh, and one more thing… Happy 50th birthday!!