Never Doubt I love

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.”

Never doubt that I love you.

But my darling, this love is not enough.

It’s not enough to love your laugh, or your mischievous smile,

It’s not enough to love when you hold me in your arms for a while.

It’s not enough to love your sense of humor and  how you make me laugh a lot,

It’s not enough to love how you finish my sentences and echo my thoughts.

It’s not enough to love our shared history and dreams of our future plans,

It’s not enough to love who you once were and  I always wished you  would be again.

It’s not enough to love the easiness of comfort and companionship,

It’ not enough to love your charm, your wit and your cleverness.

It’s not enough to share private jokes and adore your charming manner,

It’s not enough to love you like a mother loves her son or daughter.


A marriage needs more.  And there is more, somehow, somewhere, there is more.

Marital love needs trust first and foremost, and you’ve proven over and over that you can be trusted by none.

Marital love demands maturity, someone who can take responsibility for their mistakes and learn from them.

Marital love requires that we both grow up, because as we grow, our lives (and future children) greatly depend on each other.

Marital love takes self control, that doesn’t blame, or lash out in violence to cause others pain.

Marital love doesn’t seek to control, manipulate and isolate just to foster dependency, so that they never have to be alone.

Marital love must be willing to sacrifice their own needs and fears,  and even change for the one they love.

  I know that I too,  have so much to learn. And still, I choose to go. I leave, knowing there’s a chance that I may never find this kind of  dependable love in a person.  But It’s a risk I am willing to take.

 

Disillusionment

Here is an unrhyming poem I wrote about a month ago.


With every touch, in every glance, my heart pulses with the whisper “traitor, traitor, that’s who you’ve become”

An inside joke, a warm gesture, A comfortable familiarity between you & I, but then words flash across my vision “traitor, traitor”.

A smile, a laugh, & constant companionship & Oh, how I love you, and my heart whispers “There are no Lies, nothing is wrong, I imagined it all & I can let it go”

But then, just there, how did I miss it? As obvious as the sun. It’s there written in your eyes. Written in guilt plastered all over your face. Lurking behind the mask you use.

You tell me I’m mad, that I’ve lost all control, but I must trust my eyes over your words, your lies.

I know what I’ve seen, I know what I saw & it kills me to know.

It shatters the image I had of you, it shatters the past I’ve shared with you.

My heart begs me to forget, but I wont lie to myself for your sake.

But it hurts, deeper than any pain I’ve encountered. It breaks my heart in more ways than I can express.  So much grief from betrayal weighs me down. How can I go on standing?

Because,

Every time you say her name, I know.

Every time your smile beams, because she’s texted you back. It’s as though a dagger has pierced my soul, & I know.

Every time I ask what your doing on your phone & you hide it from me, I know.

Every time you lie & think I’ve fallen for it. I know.

When I look in your eyes, I see you contemplate it, you rationalize & justify your feelings.

You must think I’m so stupid. But I know, I know.

And it makes me sick. when I think of you with her at work.

It makes me sick, when I watch you try so desperately to impress her.

It makes me sick, knowing you leave early for work just to see her.

It makes me sick, when you try so hard to to justify your infatuation.

And it makes me sick when you say to me “I love you, I’m here for you.” Because, I know. Oh, how much I know.

You think you’ve got me fooled. Well, you must feel so proud.

You think you have the best of both worlds by keeping us both around.

But I know you want the attention,  I know where this mindset leads.

I am NOT my husbands keeper, I’ve learned the hard way to let you make your own mistakes.

But this one my dear, this IS TOO FAR, this mistake will cost you everything.

Will cost you the one person, who would have done anything, given up everything, who has laid down her own life for your sake.

I have forgiven much, I’ve given you 2nd, 3rd & 4th chances, I have given you everything that I am, everything that is mine to give, I gave. I have laid myself bare before you.

I may not be perfect, But I have loved you & supported & encouraged you,  every step of the way.

You can not have us both. You can not win this wager. Only death will come of this.  The death of my love for you.

This is the one place from which there is no return.

It’s like I’m  watching you crash & burn in slow motion. And there’s nothing I can do to stop you.

 

So finally I confront you, I say “If you love me, you won’t talk to her” & you agree.

You promise not to share with her but you lie, you lie.

And still, every time you text her, I watch you smile to yourself.

I ask you what you’re doing & you lie, you lie.

You try to hide your smiles, but you can’t hide from me.

It’s plastered across your face for me to see (if I’m looking).

You  swear and you swear and you swear.

The lies tumble out of your mouth without regard.  For me,

for truth.  For anyone but you.

Nothing changes, still you swear your oaths to me.

You doom yourself with every lie.

Over and over you go around me, & behind me. But you never show a thing to me.

How can I in good conscience, bare my soul to you?

how can I share my life with one such as you?

Again you lie, so I lie back. Because how can I share my truths with you?

Round and round we lie, back and forth.

We play this game, but to what end?

I know my end, I play to get out..

But what do you play for?

To keep me? Or to alienate me? To just get away with as much as you can?

Why? Why do you play this game?

Why do you play me?

What does Gas-lighting look like?

Are You Being Gas-lighted?


Gas-lighting is when you “manipulate someone through psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

But what does that really mean? Well simply put,  it’s when you have someone in your life (could be a spouse or parent) who intentionally sows seeds of doubt into you, so that you doubt your own reality. They continually discredit your own thoughts, ideas, beliefs until  you no longer trust your own eyes and mind. Until you doubt things you once knew for certain!

More often than not, you will need to be relatively isolated for this type of “brainwashing” to work. So this person will aim to keep you alienated from others, and distrusting of everyone but them, so that in time, you learn to take their word as complete truth. They will tell you all kinds of awful things about your friends and family and will also tell you about how your friends and family complain about you  (or don’t like you). This will cause you to stop trusting everyone else and trust only the person gas-lighting you.

Your independence  will slowly evaporate, and so will your self esteem. You won’t feel confident enough to make friends or open up to anyone except for the person gas-lighting you.

They have you right were they want you, now they can tell you any lies and treat you any way they want, knowing that they’ll get away with it. They have effectively convinced you that a) those things never happened, or b) that you overreacting and are irrational or “crazy”.

Seems intense right? But gas-lighting, doesn’t have to be intense and obvious for it to be dangerous.  Even a small amount of subtle gas-lighting can be very harmful, as it will gradually eat away at your perception of reality.

If you think you are being gas-lighted here is a list of red flags from  Psychology Today. These ten symptoms are all pretty common in gas-lighting victims.

  1. You start to question if you are too sensitive. ( Example:  You’re told you are too easily offended and need to stop holding on to things from the past and just get over it!)
  2. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions. (Ex: You feel so indecisive and lack the confidence to make a decision and stand up for it. Also the gas-lighter twists everything in circles so that you can’t get anywhere in a conversation or argument.)
  3. You find yourself constantly apologizing. (Ex: Even when someone wrongs you, you get pulled into sympathizing and coddling them, and start apologizing for anything and everything. Or maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and are afraid to set them off.)
  4. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy. (Ex: Perhaps everything looks good on the outside of your life and yet you are miserable, depressed and hopeless.)
  5. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior. (Ex: You justify it, because they don’t know any better, or because they had a bad day, or bad childhood and so on.)
  6. You feel like you can’t do anything right. (Ex: You are always the problem, always messing up. Eventually you start to question your own sanity. You wonder whats wrong with you!)
  7. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others. (Ex: Your self confidence has been stripped away and your self esteem has hit a new low.)
  8. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. (Ex: You hardly recognize or like  yourself anymore. You feel totally insecure or diminished.)
  9. You are constantly second-guessing yourself. ( Ex: Did that even happen like you think it did? Perhaps you’re irrational and  imagining it.)
  10. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things. (Ex: You think they don’t understand him/her like you do. Or you don’t know how or want to talk about it, because your not even sure whats real anymore.)
  11. You start lying to avoid the accusations.  (Ex: You are sick of your version of events being so twisted, that you start lying about what happened just to avoid the accusations and confrontation that you know will inevitably be twisted.)

Do you recognize yourself any any of these? If you do, know that you are not crazy! Not even a little bit!

If you feel like you are being gas-lighted by a spouse or parent, my suggestion is for you to get as far away from them as possible! But, since I know that getting out isn’t always possible, here are a couple ways for you to take your power back and regain your sanity.

  • Stop taking responsibility for their feelings.
  • Don’t believe everything they say, recognize them for what they are: A Liar.
  • Don’t let them blame you for their actions. They are responsible for what comes out of them, not you!
  • Learn how to draw healthy boundaries & enforce them.
  • spend time around people who will encourage you & build you up, rather then tear you down.
  • Trust yourself, trust your instincts & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • Stick up for yourself! That also means knowing when to walk away.
  • The moment you feel them trying to guilt trip you, reject it. Don’t let the guilt in!
  • Spend time pampering & loving yourself.
  • Find ways to regain your self esteem, & independence, do something you once loved to do.
  • Write things down, so that it will be easier for you to trust your own memory.
  •  Get some counseling or find some one mature you can talk with, to help you sort through all the lies.
  • Remember that people often accuse other of what they are guilty of, similarly people are cruel and shaming to others, after they have first treated themselves that way.  So know that it really isn’t you  with the problems… it them.

For more info or help about gas-lighting check out the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201610/10-ways-tell-if-youre-being-gaslighted