Here is an unrhyming poem I wrote about a month ago.
With every touch, in every glance, my heart pulses with the whisper “traitor, traitor, that’s who you’ve become”
An inside joke, a warm gesture, A comfortable familiarity between you & I, but then words flash across my vision “traitor, traitor”.
A smile, a laugh, & constant companionship & Oh, how I love you, and my heart whispers “There are no Lies, nothing is wrong, I imagined it all & I can let it go”
But then, just there, how did I miss it? As obvious as the sun. It’s there written in your eyes. Written in guilt plastered all over your face. Lurking behind the mask you use.
You tell me I’m mad, that I’ve lost all control, but I must trust my eyes over your words, your lies.
I know what I’ve seen, I know what I saw & it kills me to know.
It shatters the image I had of you, it shatters the past I’ve shared with you.
My heart begs me to forget, but I wont lie to myself for your sake.
But it hurts, deeper than any pain I’ve encountered. It breaks my heart in more ways than I can express. So much grief from betrayal weighs me down. How can I go on standing?
Every time you say her name, I know.
Every time your smile beams, because she’s texted you back. It’s as though a dagger has pierced my soul, & I know.
Every time I ask what your doing on your phone & you hide it from me, I know.
Every time you lie & think I’ve fallen for it. I know.
When I look in your eyes, I see you contemplate it, you rationalize & justify your feelings.
You must think I’m so stupid. But I know, I know.
And it makes me sick. when I think of you with her at work.
It makes me sick, when I watch you try so desperately to impress her.
It makes me sick, knowing you leave early for work just to see her.
It makes me sick, when you try so hard to to justify your infatuation.
And it makes me sick when you say to me “I love you, I’m here for you.” Because, I know. Oh, how much I know.
You think you’ve got me fooled. Well, you must feel so proud.
You think you have the best of both worlds by keeping us both around.
But I know you want the attention, I know where this mindset leads.
I am NOT my husbands keeper, I’ve learned the hard way to let you make your own mistakes.
But this one my dear, this IS TOO FAR, this mistake will cost you everything.
Will cost you the one person, who would have done anything, given up everything, who has laid down her own life for your sake.
I have forgiven much, I’ve given you 2nd, 3rd & 4th chances, I have given you everything that I am, everything that is mine to give, I gave. I have laid myself bare before you.
I may not be perfect, But I have loved you & supported & encouraged you, every step of the way.
You can not have us both. You can not win this wager. Only death will come of this. The death of my love for you.
This is the one place from which there is no return.
It’s like I’m watching you crash & burn in slow motion. And there’s nothing I can do to stop you.
So finally I confront you, I say “If you love me, you won’t talk to her” & you agree.
You promise not to share with her but you lie, you lie.
And still, every time you text her, I watch you smile to yourself.
I ask you what you’re doing & you lie, you lie.
You try to hide your smiles, but you can’t hide from me.
It’s plastered across your face for me to see (if I’m looking).
You swear and you swear and you swear.
The lies tumble out of your mouth without regard. For me,
for truth. For anyone but you.
Nothing changes, still you swear your oaths to me.
You doom yourself with every lie.
Over and over you go around me, & behind me. But you never show a thing to me.
How can I in good conscience, bare my soul to you?
how can I share my life with one such as you?
Again you lie, so I lie back. Because how can I share my truths with you?
Round and round we lie, back and forth.
We play this game, but to what end?
I know my end, I play to get out..
But what do you play for?
To keep me? Or to alienate me? To just get away with as much as you can?
Why? Why do you play this game?
Why do you play me?