Lost Cause

 

Here is my confession:

2015 has been a really difficult year. Full of struggles and pain, and I spent most of the time, lost and bewildered as to what was going on.

I had lost hope in life and relationships

But, what I didn’t realize, was that I had actually given up on myself.

I had absolutely no hope for myself.

I considered myself a lost cause and had given myself up for dead. I was settled and resigned to live a life void of hope. A dead life.

A life that was void of LIFE.

I didn’t care anymore about how I looked,

I didn’t care about how I felt,

how relationships were going and I didn’t care about what I  was doing.

I just didn’t care anymore,

Or more accurately, I didn’t have the capacity or ability to care about anything anymore.

So, I just plodded along,

with no desire or hope for things to ever get better.

I settled for a life void of joy and purpose. And I didn’t even recognize how far I had fallen.

I was so resigned  and used to depression, that I really couldn’t see how beaten down I was.

I thought about death, as if it were something to look forward to

But then a ray of hope reached its hand out to me.

And it dawned on me…..  I am not a lost cause!

God has not given up on me.

And if he hasn’t given up on me, then  I don’t want to give up on me either!

God hasn’t lost hope for me.

I am not a lost cause.

God’s mercies are still waiting for me, even after all this time!

He looks at me with mercy and compassion and tenderness and has not abandoned me.

(Somehow, I was convinced that God had abandoned me)

But he has not lost hope for me,

and he does not condemn me, for being a wayward child.

I AM NOT A LOST CAUSE!

There IS hope for me yet!

There is more life for me to live!

It’s not over!

After all this time God was still holding out for me,

waiting for me, waiting to give me a 500th chance.

Waiting to give it another go.

When I had lost hope for myself,

God didn’t!

When I stopped caring whether I lived or died.

He still cared!

When I thought all was lost.

He welcomed me in, with open arms.

Thank you Jesus!

I don’t deserve so many chances,

and I don’t  understand how your love can run so deep…

but thank you for carrying about the little things I care about.

Thank you, for never giving up on me!

“When the lord brought back the captive ones, we were like those who dreamed.

My mouth was full of laughter, and  joyful shouting,

I will sing among the nations, the Lord has done great things!!

the Lord has done great things for me!

I, who sowed in tears, now reap in joyful shouting!”

Heavy, Sad Love

It’s A Heavy, Sad Love, When I’m Loving You


My soul is bleeding,
My hope is leaving,

Do you see?

My life is fading,
My will to go on-failing.

Do you see?

This band is prison,
I’m dead, un-living.

Do you see?

My soul is weary,
I ache with fury.

Do you see? No.

I dream asleep,
I dream awake.

Do you see?

My soul beaten down.
In tears I drown.

Do you see?

I die each day.
Change the past I pray.

Do you see?

I die more with each lie.
I lose with every compromise.

Do you see? No

Sorrow is strangling,
I wither painfully.

Do you see?

Speech is suffocated,
Heart’s emaciated.

Do you see?

Hide whats painful.
Bury the betrayal.

Do you see?

I sob unknown
And weep alone.

Do you see? No.

Mourn for love’s paradise lost
If I go, what is the cost?
How much longer I ask myself?
I’ll imagine I am somewhere else.

I exist for you.         Do you see? Yes.
You see what you want to see.
This heavy love imprisons me.

My heart is retreating.
My guts are bleeding.

Do you see?

I’m bleeding out.
I die slow now.

Do you see ME? No.

You see what you want to see.
You see yourself, you see your want,
you see your need.
But You do not SEE me.

Wake me when it’s over
My life I surrender,
I’ve begged and screamed
Desperate for scraps, I cling.

The light is dying.
My soul is crying,

Do you see?

Heart is starving,
I’m never disarming.

Do you see? No

Yet Still I love you. Still I love thee,
I see what I wish to see…
I see yourself, I see your want,
I see your need.
But still you do not know me.